Waiting for the workday to be over...

...cause it has been a taxing day. I have some stuff to talk to God about, particularly having to do with my future occupation, etc.

Lately, I have really been thinking a lot about whether or not I really want to take over my dad's agency or not. Things keep coming up that keep pushing me towards not taking it over, and pursuing other dreams. When I think about it honestly, I really don't have a passion for this. There is expectation from others, particularly my dad of course, and such, but I don't know if I can see myself doing this the rest of my life.

That brings me to an incident today.

Let me give a little background info first. Last night, I finally got around to doing my taxes, and did them online. Turned out to be a good thing I did it online, cause I am getting a LOT more back than I expected! Now, my dad paid back a car loan for me (NOT my choice--he did it on his own), and he paid it through the business. He told me the day he paid it off (not in previous conversations) that I would be paying some interest to him (I was making payments without interest before). There wasn't a huge amount left when he paid it, just $1100.

And that brings us to today...I talked with the bookkeeper to find out how much I owed still, as the payments are coming directly out of my paycheck. I had previously understood that my dad would be taking just one extra payment out of my paycheck as interest ($100). Well, what he had told me was wrong. He told our bookkeeper at the time to put that I owed $1400 to the agency! That's an additional $300, which works out to 27.3% interest, which is ridiculous.

Needless to say, I am a bit pissed off, and even more so, hurt. I don't know if my dad paid attention to how much that really is, but I can't believe he wouldn't have figured it was around that ballpark. I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it yet, but I hope that doesn't turn out to be a bad situation.

Anyway, to get to my original point, if I were to take over the agency, I would be paying back a personal note to my parents, as I would be buying the agency. Considering how horrid this whole situation has been, I don't know if I want to deal with that. And who knows what my dad might do to try to keep his hand in things.

And besides all this, dreams that have lain dormant within me have been resurfacing in different situations, like the song I shared at church--the dream of creating music and sharing it with others. I don't know if I would be living up to my full potential, or the full potential of God's plans for me if I do take over the agency.

Plus, I think God has been nudging me to take a risk in this. I think that part of why I have kept on the path to taking over the agency despite the misgivings that have been nagging at me is because I have been afraid of what would happen if I don't. I would lose the sense of security I have with this, I would risk creating a rift between myself and my dad. But I am realizing more and more that I don't need to worry about that. God has me in His hands, he knows me better than I know myself. He will totally take care of me no matter what may happen. The rewards of risking it all may be beyond my wildest imagination, despite the scariness.

So, I need to have a good long chat with God tonight, and then take steps of action from there. I know what I need to do, I just need to face it and take action.

Even though it is scary! I just need to keep my trust in God!

~Marieke