Promise Ring-ed!

A couple weeks ago (June 5th), Nathan gave me a promise ring as a symbol of his commitment to me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I was very overwhelmed with joy and happiness! I love him so much.

However, right after, doubt and fear hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I hadn't really been as connected to God as I should have been. With life being so busy, particularly with the end of school and transition into working fulltime again, I had let busy-ness get in the way of my relationship with God.

Nathan had a bunch of things come up, so I didn't want to talk to him about it at first, cause I knew it would just stress him out if I said something. But that Friday, he finally pulled it out of me, cause he could tell something was up. I felt awful, cause I could tell that he was really hurt, since he hasn't really had any doubts about us at all. I am someone who tends to second-guess myself a lot, especially when a situation is "outside the box" so to speak, and not very clear-cut, or whatever.

I told him I needed some time to sort things out between me and God. It wasn't a break-up thing (although he pretty much took it that way), but just that I needed a little bit of time to get myself re-connected with God and really seek His will about everything without feeling pulled a bunch of different directions, or allowing myself to be influenced too much by my own emotions. We still saw each other and stuff, just didn't really hang out.

It was a really good time for me, because I really had a chance to just chill, which I really needed, and have a mini-vacation (VERY mini!!) since I took Monday afternoon off work (couldn't get the whole day off since it was last minute and I was needed for some projects). And I love being able to spend focused time with God whenever I feel like it, rather than having it dictated by my schedule.

The Friday everything came out in the open, I had a chance to talk to my mom. This in itself was a miracle, really, cause I don't really have many heart-to-heart conversations with her. I've felt that my family has been a bit over-protective of me as far as Nathan is concerned, to the point where they were kind of feeding my doubts, rather than listening to me and being open. But when I talked with my mom and shared my heart, she really listened and cared. That in and of itself nearly makes me want to cry right now because I haven't had that in so long it seems. For that conversation, I felt like I really had a mom that I could talk to about anything, and I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

I also had a really good talk with God that night. He gave me a huge sense of peace about everything. Even though I didn't get my "answers" right away, I knew that God had it perfectly planned and that He just knew we needed this time to re-connect with Him individually for different reasons. I knew Nathan was having a hard time, especially since we normally talk about everything that's going on, but I knew we needed to have some temporary distance so that we wouldn't distract each other from hearing God.

Over the weekend we had some "moments", got a bit frustrated with each other at times, etc., but God was faithful. Nathan gave me back the ring and suggested that I wear it on a necklace until I was ready to wear it on my finger (and I thought the same thing right before he said that).

All this time, I knew that my love for him had not changed and that it wasn't a matter of me not wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. It really boiled down to figuring out whether the doubts and fears plaguing me were because God was trying to tell me something wasn't right, or because Satan was trying to tear apart what God put together.

At the end of the weekend, I realized that I was exactly where God wants me in this season in life, but I didn't feel quite ready to put the ring back on. I couldn't really explain why, but I just felt like I had more I needed to work through personally, maybe something that God needed to show me or something.

Well, one thing we did realize was that we hadn't really placed as much emphasis on God in our relationship as we thought we did. There were things we had talked about doing, but hadn't actually really gotten into the habit of doing. Part of it, I think, had to do with the fact that Nathan has been growing so much personally, that I think he needed that personal spiritual base.

But it was time to change that. And Nathan really took the lead (without me having to prompt him or anything) and has been initiating discussions about what God is showing us in our Bible readings, even reading passages together, and praying together. It has made such a difference, even in a short period of time. Everything feels so much more right and blessed now.

The pst couple of days, I felt like God was starting to prompt me and say that now is the time. I wanted to make sure, so I prayed about it and thought on it a lot. And last night, I felt like God was saying "Marieke, I've given you so many confirmations. Just step out and believe that you are hearing me." So I did.

I have an amazing man in my life who is passionate about God and has allowed God to work so much in his life -- and who loves me more than I ever thought someone could. And who I love more than I ever thought I could. God has confirmed each and every time I have sought His guidance about our relationship and it's just time for me to step out in faith.

Nothing about our relationship has been what I ever expected in a relationship -- and I am so much more blessed because of it. The difficulties and challenges have made it so much more worth it and I have grown so much. I honestly don't know how any human could complete me and complement me more than Nathan does. And I think I have relied on God more because of our relationship and grown closer to Him because of it.

So, I am wearing the ring again and it won't be coming off until there's another one to replace it ;-) When Nathan noticed it when he stopped by my office, he got all teary-eyed and smiley. He's such a sweetie!

I can't wait for what God has for us in the future!

~M

PS: If you actually made it to the end of this post, you deserve an ice cream cone -- so go get one!