A talk with God

Dear God,

I have so much to talk to you about tonight, that I decided to just type it and share with others. So much has happened this weekend, it feels like it has been a whole week! It seems like lately there is always something going on, some kind of stress in my life, but you are right there beside me, teaching me, guiding me. There is a reason for all the happenings, even if it is just that you want me to grow.

I can see how everything was perfectly planned this weekend, in Your perfect timing. When I talked with a new friend of mine Friday night for a few hours and as she shared all the things that were going on in her life, I was reminded of the importance of your grace and complete reliance on you for everything. As I did my best to encourage her (hopefully it was more you encouraging her through me) I felt like I was at some points talking to myself as well. I haven't done the greatest job of spending time with you lately, but Your grace is sufficient to cover all of my faults and failings.

After my conversation with her I was a little drained, plus I was already a bit tired and had forgotten to eat dinner, so I was slightly out of it going in to the theater to see The Passion. Seeing the film was a bit different than I expected. I hadn't really read a whole lot about the movie, at least recently, but I still had some pre-conceived notions about it, I guess. The violence was about what I expected, if not actually less the way everyone had been emphasizing it. Plus, since I know the story, I pretty much new what to expect. However, the significance of how You humbled yourself struck me in a new way.

I realized while watching how you were beaten and whipped and nailed to the cross, that you truly made a sacrifice beyond simply dying. You came down to earth and lived as a man. God on earth. God humbling himself to become a man. Then, to not only live within the confines of a human life, you also endured, willingly and knowingly, the emotional pain of friends deserting you and betraying you; you laid down your pride as selfish religious leaders ridiculed you and spat in your face. Ordinary men spitting in the face of a Holy God! You could have struck them with lightening, you could have broken free of your constraints and forced everyone to do your will. Instead, you stood silently, speaking only wisdom and truth at the right times.

Then, you endured the physical pain of being scourged to near death, then having to trek a mile or two with a cross on your back, on the back that was laid bare to the bone, only to be nailed to the very cross you are carrying. And rather than be victorious as men understand victory, you forgave those who hurt you. You FORGAVE! and then you died, beaten to a pulp in every imaginable way, both emotionally and physically.

Then, the true victory, when you rose from the dead, having defeated death for eternity. All one needs to do is give their life over to you, and there is freedom! No mere man could have done what you did for mankind, and that is why you came down from heaven, the Spotless Lamb, the one thing that would take away spiritual death.

Interestingly enough, I didn't cry during the movie. For some reason, I couldn't. I moaned, and reacted in various other ways, but no tears would come. I think there are a few reason (including fatigue and the fact I don't easily cry with strangers around me), but I realized that part of the reason the movie didn't quite affect me as much as I thought it might was because I knew of the hope. It is dark and hard to watch, but I knew the hope of the resurrection, the hope of victory.

And the weekend continues......

Saturday was relatively uneventful until the evening when I found out everything regarding my grandmother and uncle. I was so upset last night, God. I felt like cussing out my uncle (although, as a friend of mine told me, I probably wouldn't have done such a great job considering how little practice I have had in such things...). It was just painful, and stressful, wondering how things are going to work out, where I will live, who I could live with, if I'll be able to afford it, etc. etc.

Then, right before I go to bed (at 1:00am or so), Aunt Flo decides to pop in to visit. So, I go to sleep, only to wake up at 3:30am with bad cramps. I couldn't get comfortable no matter what, so I finally gave up and got some water from the kitchen and took some Midol (God bless whoever invented that stuff!) and got one of those heat pad thingys. So I got in the most comfortable position I could and read my Bible till the meds kicked in and I was finally able to get back to sleep around 4:30 or so.

Then, this morning, I am headed down to Newbury Park to go to this church and meet the missionaries I will be working with if I go to Africa and just singing along to my Jennifer Knapp CD (great lyrics that girl writes). I find out when I get to the church that I am about 45 minutes early (I thought the last service was 10:00am, but it was 10:30, and I got there at 9:45). So, I decided to just find a place to sit (that church seriously needs some lounge areas in the entrance area) and journal. I ended up writing about some of my fears and doubts about the future and whether I am really headed where You want me to go (which I suppose most people around my age go through every once in a while), and then I wrote this:

But I guess that kinda goes to show how uncomfortable I am not being in control, or at least not knowing. It's the not knowing that I don't like. I like to know everything I can about certain things, but I know that I can't know everything, that I have to rely on You to guide me and lead me, and there will be times where I have to just step out in faith, trusting that You know my heart, that You will be faithful, and that it will all work out to your glory.

I know that no matter what happens, you are always there for me, always taking care of me, even though I may not understand why or how you are. You have continuously shown your care for me, your faithfulness to me, as evidenced by what happens next in the story of my weekend...

The sermon, as it turns out, was about forgiveness (go figure...). It was exactly what I needed to hear. You spoke to me through the words that were spoken by the pastor. You reminded me of these particular things:

-Forgiveness is only good if it is ongoing
-Real forgiveness is total. It means that I am to the point where I can bless the person (though it doesn't necessarily equal trust--that has to be earned).
-Forgiveness is required of me because I have been forgiven by God.
-When I am not forgiving, I am imprisoned, I am held captive. When I withhold forgiveness, it affects me, as well as others.
-When I withold forgiveness, it means I have forgotten grace.

You have forgiven me of all that I have done wrong. You have forgiven me of all that I should owe you. I don't deserve my life, yet You have given me eternal life simply because I accepted your gift of grace and forgiveness. So who I am to deny others forgiveness? Am I better than You?

I knew You were speaking these things to me in regards to my uncle and grandmother.

When I got home, You gave me a chance to act out forgiveness towards my grandmother, whatever her role in everything. I sat with her and talked with her, just spent time with her. It was truly by your grace and strength that my attitude was not one of bitterness or hurt. I had peace that no matter what, You are in control, that things will work out, and I can extend forgiveness to those who have hurt me.

I did end up having a chance to talk with her, to ask her if there was anything I had done wrong that would have offended her or whatever. She told me that I haven't done anything and that there is nothing personal about what's going on. She said that she wants to not worry about things, so my uncle is taking care of everything and to talk to him and to my mom. She was aware that I am wanted out of the house, but I don't think she came up with the idea, whether she agrees or not. So, that part has been resolved. Thank you lord!

Later this week I will be talking with my uncle and hearing from him exactly why I am wanted out. Perhaps things will be worked out smoothly, perhaps not. But either way, I know that You are in control. I have a family and church family that will help me out if I need it, and I know from experience that you will make sure my needs are met no matter what.

I am in awe of how You care about me, even in the little things. The things that aren't of worldy importance. Thank you for your patience, love, and grace towards me. I just hope that others see you in me, because it is the fact that You are in my life that makes me who I am. You are continually shaping me into the godly woman you created me to be.

Your daughter,
Marieke


(Dear blog reader, if you read all of that, pat yourself on the back cause that was loooong!)